I Want to Hide the Hyde Within Me

“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-ey’d monster, which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.”

William Shakespeare, Othello


Jealousy is a snake in the grass, encircling your feet, waiting for the twitch in your leg to indicate weakness and to attack.  

In my recent bouts with jealousy, there had been an intention to thwart any progress made by another.  Sometimes this envy rips me up because I know that I shouldn’t possess this thing within me.  I just want to hide this Hyde who torments me and anyone dear to me.

Someone close to me had the amazing opportunity, one that I have longed for and blogged about before, to go on a mission trip.  In his descriptions of what it was like, instead of amazement and awe, the “green-ey’d monster” began feeding.  Then issues that shouldn’t have been issues became bigger.  They clouded the real reason I was jealous.  They made it seem like I was just a wife worried about losing my love.  But it is more.  I’m jealous that I didn’t get to go on the mission trip.  I’m jealous that I was the one that stayed behind. 

His argument didn’t subdue the envy, but he said, “you can do all of that here.” It’s because I live in the mission field here at home, in America.  But, then I will still go home to my places of comforts: A/C, hot water, blankets when its cold, food in the pantry, food staying fresh in the refrigerator, diapers to cover my baby’s bottom, shoes and jackets to keep my limbs warm.  Consumerism to tell you that you still don’t have everything you need.

I’ve prayed to God to take away my jealousy.  I hate that my resentment stems from something that should be as pure as the opportunity to go on a mission trip.  The best thing to come out of this feeling is the research I’ve done to see if there are others like me.

I say all of this to point you in the direction of an article I found extremely helpful.  It was written by three missionary wives who talk about the phases that those who stay behind, specifically wives and mothers, go through and what to expect.  I strongly encourage anyone who has read this (if you’ve made it so far) and can relate, to read this article and learn from it as I have.

Please visit When Husbands Travel.