I am nervous about tomorrow, my D-Day of determining whether I have the real guts necessary to meet my neighbors. Well, it is beyond nervous and beyond just meeting them. I’m so anxious that my medicine isn’t working for my anxiety disorder…my heart quickens and my breath shortens into fast, nasal inhalations so that oxygen continues to pump through me, but I’m feeling like tomorrow’s uncertainess is swirling around me and I’m not really in my body, but more like I’m looking at myself go through this painful experience.
And tomorrow is more than dropping off tiny, Christmas gifts at the door, regardless if they are home or not. Tomorrow is about action and engagement: fellowshiping and building relationships. Why am I so scared? The worst thing that could happen is that no one comes and I’m left with twelve dozen eggs sitting there. No, the worst thing that could happen is that I start a conversation and then end up making a fool of myself by whatever comes out of my mouth. The worst thing that could happen is that I don’t build any relationships and I’m left with nothing.
I believe in a real, viable Devil who sends out thoughts of uncapability, that scare us into thinking that we can’t do what God tells us He needs us to do. The Devil has infiltrated my plan already; my husband will be in Dallas tomorrow and there is enough of a chance that we might not make it back home in time (although he assures me he’ll be back with no problem), the weather is supposed to be coooold – 57 degree high, but that is cooold for this time of year in Texas, and now the anxiety attacks.
Please pray for our work tomorrow and what can be accomplished through a simple egg hunt. I hope to update you all with happy and relieved thoughts afterwards!
My goal for next week was to reach out to my neighbors in a new and more frightening (for me) way, going beyond my Christmas gifts from my December endeavor, but then I realized that I had – eeek – three days to plan whatever that was going to be. Then, while dreadingly thinking of the supposed garage sale I could put on to greet my neighbors as they perused my unwanted items and my three children terrorized them in return, I had a glimmer of thought: “why don’t I just give myself more time?” It seems like I’m dodging my intended mission. Yet, I don’t think I really am. Instead, I – with the help of my church small group and awesome husband- am going to put on an Easter Egg Hunt in my neighborhood with my yard and the grassy place across the street serving as Grand Central Station for Easter camaraderie and the “neighbor (and hopefully their children) collector.” I’m so excited about this idea, I can’t stand it. I’m ready to make cutesy, Pinterest-inspired invitations and buy a huge bag of gleaming, plastic eggs to fill with stickers and non-melting candy. Mostly, I’m excited about seeing my neighbors outside of their homes and the potential fellowship that will ensue. I’m an introvert by nature, but there is something about the possibility of making new friends in Jesus’s name that just gets me hyped! Prayer for my – our – event would so be appreciated!!